Teenage Mess

One year my life has no issues, everything happy and the next I spend most nights overthinking and having anxiety.

But I also realized, the years where I was naïve and ignored the actions of my ‘friends’ were the same years where those friends I had were fake. More friends didn’t necessarily mean more happiness for me, I suppose.

Whereas no matter how bad my life is becoming this year, those friends that kept by my side were the ones that made me happier.

I used to think the more friends I had it meant the more support I had. But the main reason why this year was so bad for me was because those supposed friends that I trusted all betrayed me. It hurt. I never experienced so much betrayal before in my life. But the people that picked me back up was that small group.

Fakeness is like a virus in my school, it just spreads through everyone. I can’t trust anyone anymore. I have to question myself before I say a word to people in hope that they won’t twist it and put me into a bad position. I think I might have saved myself from it.

 

Falling

Life.

Some people think of life and think of joy, others think of sadness and spending each day trying to move on from the past.

But what does life actually mean? Are we meant to be happy every day we wake up? Because I seem to cry myself to sleep hoping that tomorrow I wont wake up. Being stuck in dreams and eyes closed gives me the safety from reality. However real I feel like my dreams are, the reassurance that it is not really happening makes me comfortable, anything can happen and its not  real. But what if you die in your dream and you don’t really mind? Or you cry in your dreams?  Or you have the same problems in your dreams as you do in reality and they keep haunting you? Dreams aren’t an escape at all, they are a way of subconsciously finding out what your thinking before becoming oblivious to it.

I used to always dream cliffs and me jumping off it. This has been happening since I was seven years old. I never knew why, seemed like most nights I slept I was running away from something and the only option to escape was falling. I guess they don’t count as dreams if I was imagining myself falling.

I wish I could escape my problems of life by just falling. Maybe not into my death, but reoccurring nights where I imagine myself falling from the edge of cliff usually into an ocean doesn’t sound that bad to me. Falling into an area where most sound is muffled and feels like the world is divided feels somewhat calming to me.

If I could fall, I would but instead I panic about the problems I have. I need to find that area to fall into in my life, not in my dreams.

Back to the Start

“We are preparing the plane for lift off” the hostess called through the plane. Watching the screen on the ceiling show me the whereabouts our plane would be passing and our destination. ‘3.15 minutes’ till we reach Istanbul. The hulk, Cagkan, whatever I secretly named him last time I went on summer, is in Istanbul. I promised him last summer that when I came to Istanbul I would tell him, but a lot of things were different last summer to how it is now. Cagkan and I were incredibly close, I trusted him, he liked me; even said he loved me, he made me feel happy and I made him happy but now he has a girlfriend and she makes him happy, I’m still single, everyone I know is still betting the moment I will have my first get off. Some are betting when I will have my first get off because they actually think that I’m not lame enough to not even had my first kiss, like a peck. I haven’t had my first kiss nor gotten off, guess I’m secretly that lame. I miss him. He was one of those guys who actually showed his feelings, treated me they way he believed I deserved. I always went for shy guys thinking they wouldn’t be cocky but none of them even show how they feel. I just don’t know if I’m good with guys. Guys shouldn’t even be a big deal in my life at the age of 14 almost 15, should it?
Anyway, when the map in the screen showed reaching Istanbul, I felt sick and felt like I was going to cry. My heart just dropped. I can’t tell a guy with a girlfriend that I have arrived in his city. I can’t be like oh yeah I’m here lets meet up, that just sounds morally wrong. He seems happy, maybe even happier than he was with me. I always think maybe if he sees me, he will like me again and forget about his girlfriend. But I can’t do that, I won’t. I can’t be selfish enough to not think about him and his girlfriend. I guess me not meeting him is me still caring for him because I want him to still be happy. Last summer was the best time of my life ever. I think Cagkan had a massive influence on that. If he wasn’t there, at my aunt’s holiday area or wasn’t my cousin’s best friend I would not be able to meet one of the most influential people I met. He just had such a good character. 
I want to be in a relationship, I want to find someone right. But I can’t find anyone. Where are they?

Love sucks. Boys suck.

Truthfully, I hate catching feelings for someone. I never want to admit this to anyone because they would think I’m exaggerating or want attention. But, I really do hate it. Hate is a strong word but I am willing to use it. Just because every blooming teen girl loves the feeling of a warm heart because of “love”, doesn’t mean I do too.

I don’t care if he is the perfect guy, I don’t care if he makes me happy. I know it’s going to end badly and I JUST DO NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED. I feel as though every guy I have “caught feelings for” has always caused drama, misinterpreted something or just left me in the corner wanting to cry. I don’t cry about guys, never, that’s because they aren’t worth my tears. But, one guy shows up, makes me very happy but also acts like a massive douchebag. I can explain that long and interesting story later if you guys like but this story isn’t about him. He was a douchebag straight after being the most caring guy I ever met. I just got so bad and fed up with it inside, that when I got picked up from school by my mum I tried to hold back these emotions that have just been packed into me. When we arrived home, I sprinted straight into my room and locked the door and started sobbing. I probably sobbed my guts out for an hour until someone wanted to get into my room. I was angry and upset at the same time. My sadness turned into anger and I moved every single furniture in my room in front of the door to block anyone coming through. I didn’t want to “talk about it”, I didn’t want a shoulder to cry on and I most certainly didn’t want him. I just wanted to crawl into a small corner in my room and cry and cry and cry.

After then, I always felt different about guys. I told my friends the story, but I don’t think they got it. I never cried that much in my life. Some acted cared but all they really wanted to talk about was themselves, some didn’t even talk about it and some honestly cared for me but just didn’t understand. I was affected. My whole perspective had changed. I didn’t want love, I didn’t want commitment and I didn’t want tears.

I am always happy for people who are in good relationships. They got life going well. But I don’t want that. I can’t hold back my feelings obviously. If I really like a guy, I can’t help it. But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to want to be fully devoted. Devotion is a two part thing. If I am devoted then he has to be devoted too. But, I don’t trust the teen he’s of the world and neither do my tears.

Me looking from a third person perspective made me realize that at 14, every relationship has an end. No matter how intimate it was or how cute or happy it was. It always ends. It’s human, right? Everything good has an end. Most of the time, I don’t see good ends. There are either very harsh words used during the breakup which can really break the partner’s confidence or a very awkward and distant future. Both of these are a problem and I really can’t deal to hassle with the problems.

If I don’t get myself involved with a guy, I’m going to save time running away and ignoring my ex, or having my confidence broken.

I guess I am scared. But at least I can admit that.

“Love You”

“Love You”, “Much Love”, “Lots of Love”- what does it mean?

I have heard these sayings so much from guys but I never knew what it meant. I still don’t! Do they really mean it? Do they really want you from the inside and heart? Or do they just want your tongue to be inside.

I feel as though the “L word” or “L bomb” is a really delicate word and shouldn’t be used in a daily use. Maybe with friendship, they really do love you as a friend. But besides that, how can you tell a guy really loves you?

At my age, 14, I don’t believe in love. I feel as though I don’t want to believe it because I want to run away from actually liking a guy. I’m scared of commitment and serious relationships. At 14, no one really needs a serious relationship, they just want to have fun. Mess the place around, listen to music and dance around their room… Or that’s what I do. My favorite parts of relationships are the start. Because that’s just flirt, nothing serious. I love flirt, flirt is just flanter (flirty banter) and most of the time it’s quite fun to be in it.

But, after flanter comes a progression into a relationship and I don’t want that. It’s like leading on someone,  but I wouldn’t call flirting leading on so I can’t find a con in flirting. But during the progression into the relationship, some guys tend to impatiently just bomb the love word on top of the beautiful flirty platter. Do they just want to get some? Or, do they really like you and they just can’t hold back the feeling anymore?

No one knows besides you. Sometimes you might think you don’t know, but you guys are smart enough to look at the signs and interpret it. Where do they touch? Eurgh, that sounded weird. I meant as in, if they touch places you don’t feel comfortable with or don’t really like, it’s probably not love. But if you feel a connection, an electrical spark and when you look in their eyes you see happiness, for sure he loves you.

For me, I’m going to skip love. I’m scared of it I guess. The word love or commitment to a guy really does scare me. I’m not a slut, I don’t give myself away easily but I do know that I am very independent. So, when I catch lovey-dovey feelings for a guy, I panic. Because I know when I fall in young teen love, there are always going to be salty tear drops coming down my eyes. If i find someone special and perfect, I tend to look at their flaws to get myself to not like them. I know it’s wrong but I’m petrified.

Everyone deserves happiness no matter their past and if your lucky enough to find yours, don’t give it up. You never know, it might end up being the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

“Love you”

“Love you, too”

x x x

Summer

Summer. The cool ocean breeze, blue seas, soft sand, rebellious memories and unforgettable times. Who doesn’t love summer? In my mind, summer is therapy.

my mind: Summer- an excuse for everyone to run away from stress and go to a visually, mentally and physically therapeutic place every year. My favorite type of running away is to my paradise.

This summer was better than every single other summer for me. It definitely was therapeutic for me. I felt more confident, proud, happy and tanned by the end of it! 🙂 Before summer, I did have a bit of a confidence problem even though everyone thought I was a very confident person. No one looks in the inside, they only look at the costume you’re wearing outside. Because of this, no one really understood how much my confidence lacked. When holiday started, I met so many new people, new groups, new personality and I also think I found a new me. I feel refreshed. I feel like I am back to me. And, I never really thought one summer could do all of this but it really did. School and society can really break someone down, you know? Oh, I’m 14 if I forgot to say. Society and ‘fitting in’ for our age is so hard compared to the older ages. We are put in this picture. In this picture are drugs, alcohol, sexual actions and self harm including any other wrong thing. This isn’t right. Now, I’m not trying to be cocky, but I know I am not unpopular and I do have quite a lot of friends, but if they do bad things with their lives and try to make me join them, I’m not. That shouldn’t mean I’m a loser.

But, being away from school… THAT may be the best thing in my life. Away from society. Meeting new people, maybe even better people. People who don’t give a fuck about if you take weed or not. Now, those people look behind your costume. Those that look at you, inside you, those are my favorite people in this big world.

I hope summer makes people feel good. Summer makes me feel free. Summer makes me want to go out and be different, it makes me want to run into the beach with my speakers on full blast and ask people to jam out and dance with me. But, summer also makes me calm. It makes me want to lie by the beach at midnight, look at the stars and listen to the waves. Summer changes you.

My best memories this summer, wow, there are so many. Definitely going into the sea with a big group of friend at night then having a big bonfire at night. Or, going out with my friend at night and just dancing and not caring what people think of us. Or, lying on the tennis courts right by the beach and looking at the stars and listening to each other. Or, taking turns water skiing, weight boarding and mono skiing over the great turquoise sea, taking pictures and chearing each other on. Or, almost falling asleep right by the beach at midnight. Or going to the water park with my friends and being those reckless teens there because all we wanted to do was have pure innocent teenage fun. Sorry society, but we are crazy young kids, that’s what happens! 😀

Well, I hope everyone had an amazing summer or will have one. Please make the most and I can’t say this with more emphasis THE MOST!!! out of it! Don’t care about what people think, because by the end of the day it’s going to be what you care. I regret that I wasn’t as confident as I was in the end of my holiday as I was in the start. I could have made even more memories.

Live life to the fullest guys, I promise it’s not going to be waiting for you.

Don’t let life finish the race before you.