Truthfully, I hate catching feelings for someone. I never want to admit this to anyone because they would think I’m exaggerating or want attention. But, I really do hate it. Hate is a strong word but I am willing to use it. Just because every blooming teen girl loves the feeling of a warm heart because of “love”, doesn’t mean I do too.

I don’t care if he is the perfect guy, I don’t care if he makes me happy. I know it’s going to end badly and I JUST DO NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED. I feel as though every guy I have “caught feelings for” has always caused drama, misinterpreted something or just left me in the corner wanting to cry. I don’t cry about guys, never, that’s because they aren’t worth my tears. But, one guy shows up, makes me very happy but also acts like a massive douchebag. I can explain that long and interesting story later if you guys like but this story isn’t about him. He was a douchebag straight after being the most caring guy I ever met. I just got so bad and fed up with it inside, that when I got picked up from school by my mum I tried to hold back these emotions that have just been packed into me. When we arrived home, I sprinted straight into my room and locked the door and started sobbing. I probably sobbed my guts out for an hour until someone wanted to get into my room. I was angry and upset at the same time. My sadness turned into anger and I moved every single furniture in my room in front of the door to block anyone coming through. I didn’t want to “talk about it”, I didn’t want a shoulder to cry on and I most certainly didn’t want him. I just wanted to crawl into a small corner in my room and cry and cry and cry.

After then, I always felt different about guys. I told my friends the story, but I don’t think they got it. I never cried that much in my life. Some acted cared but all they really wanted to talk about was themselves, some didn’t even talk about it and some honestly cared for me but just didn’t understand. I was affected. My whole perspective had changed. I didn’t want love, I didn’t want commitment and I didn’t want tears.

I am always happy for people who are in good relationships. They got life going well. But I don’t want that. I can’t hold back my feelings obviously. If I really like a guy, I can’t help it. But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to want to be fully devoted. Devotion is a two part thing. If I am devoted then he has to be devoted too. But, I don’t trust the teen he’s of the world and neither do my tears.

Me looking from a third person perspective made me realize that at 14, every relationship has an end. No matter how intimate it was or how cute or happy it was. It always ends. It’s human, right? Everything good has an end. Most of the time, I don’t see good ends. There are either very harsh words used during the breakup which can really break the partner’s confidence or a very awkward and distant future. Both of these are a problem and I really can’t deal to hassle with the problems.

If I don’t get myself involved with a guy, I’m going to save time running away and ignoring my ex, or having my confidence broken.

I guess I am scared. But at least I can admit that.